Well... looking back from what I did a few minutes ago, I feel like laughing. Laughing at my pathetic self. I came home with Yunzhen, both so goddamn tired from the dazu practice. I mean.. who wouldn't be, but I shan't talk about it and if you would like to know, come and ask me. Just thinking about it is enough to make me blood boil and evaporate.

Well, basically I came home like any normal child, tired from school, kicked off my shoes. I saw my sister and my mum sitting at the TV. Basically I expected some recognition. A "You came back so late!" or "What were you DOING in school?" would have been nice. Well, much nicer than the cold shoulder at least. Ok. So I'm ignored. Never mind. My mum's having mood swings again, went to my room to put down my bag. That boulder practically slipped off my aching and sore shoulders. I need a massage. In need of one. Okay. Off topic. And I ate in silence. Total silence. I could hear the beating of my heart. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Keeping working hard, Heart. You'll die someday along with me. Damn I'm sadistic. I could feel the vibration of each and every pulse that flow through my arms, down to my fingers - fingertips. Transferring to the fork and spoon I was holding. I feel my leg muscles - Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. How can I feel so much? I shook and my head and went back to eat. I could feel my tongue muscle moving. Tasting every bump and pieces of food in my mouth. My steel and hard braces. Friction through it. Swallow the food down, through my oesophagus down to my stomach. I took another bite at my meal. Eggs. Nice. Then I thought to myself : Man, it's silent. The silent was so deafening that I would much rather appreciate heavy metal blasting at my ears. Silent crawled up my neck. My neck hairs standing. Went up sliding past my cheeks. My cheeks somehow filled with colour. I turned around : Nobody. So I guess I'm alone afterall.

After that I was muttering nothngs. They were pieces of my psyche that I couldn't grasp and couldn't put to words easily. How do you put your heart onto paper. Or rather computer? It just aint that easy. I don't even know what I'm feeling myself.

I'm tired. And I'm fucked up.


Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. It's true you know. A living and walking example just typed you her day.

♥undefined. 8:29 pm

Well.. you know what I found out...? I found out that I should really be a counsellor. I mean... I can counsel so many people.. Cause you know what? People are getting so lost inside their feelings that they forget simple meanings and simple and straightforward answers.

*sigh* Waking up at 3 o'clock to find that it's 3 am and my mother is currently dozing off infront of the TV. Oh well.. but it still hurts to find that my mother who once had the energy of 20 elephants put together so fragile now. Changes. Oh well.. The only thing constant is change isn't it?

I guess I changed too. After all that, who wouldn't? Our changes aren't that drastic I guess.. For this one thing, I feel lucky. Now, currently its 6. My whole house is asleep. Well.. We ate our breakfast then they fell asleep again. Except me. I can't sleep a wink after I'm woken, unless I'm super sleepy and you woke me up for like 10 minutes. Why am I talking about this again? Oh ya. now it's 6.. it's 6.02 actually. I see a patch of darkness. Sinking into that darkness, I dream. Heck. I dream alot don't I? Dreaming of how things would turn out if I wasn't a girl. Dreaming of how things would turn out if I was born. Dreaming of how things would turn out if my dad didn't die. Dad. It's a foreign word to me. Why of all things am I thinking of father now? God I'm going insane. Oh well.. let's continue my train of thoughts. Maybe I'd end up as the 'Daddy's girl'? Maybe. Maybe I'd end up being miscarriged? Maybe. Maybe I'd end being the handsomest guy ever? Maybe. Lol... I don't really feel like laughing right now. All the emotions built up inside of me, they just feel like exploding.. Letting it all go. Maybe I wasn't made for this harsh reality. Maybe I'm not strong enough. Or maybe.. maybe just because I refuse to accept. Accepting aint that easy. Accepting is like bowing your head to your sworn enemy. Not that I ever had one, but yah.. a fitting comparison if you ask me. Accepting so many things at one time can really make a person go crazy I guess.

Nobody told me breaking out would be this hard. Nobody told me responsibility could weigh a ton. Nobody told me not caring would be the hardest of all. Because I had noone to tell me I guess. Not to get hurt? The easiest way is not to care, but not caring is the hardest to do. Remember that sentence? You told me that. I'll always remember it. Who were you trying to fool? Did you tell me to convince me? Or rather to convince yourself? I know. I know all about you. Maybe even more than you know. Why? That I don't know. But the day when you'll hear me say that few words will never come. That is not a fact, but an agreement. An angreement I'll never break.


Sometimes thoughts of you
Cascade back to memory
From where they have laid concealed
Unwanted, buried
Pushing them away
Forces them closer to me
Causing my heart to lunge
My soul falling from my being
I keep telling myself
I dont want you
But I miss your laughter
The light echos
You never said you loved me
And that is what tears
Knowing you wont remember me
Or long for me near
I do miss you.

♥undefined. 6:12 am

Hello People!!! *sigh* what was I talking about in the last few posts anyway? Who cares...

Right now I'm slacking in Com Lab 2 because I'm waiting for the right time to go to my dental appointment. What shall I do? Well, I'm doing one thing.. Playing games on popcap.com.. Oh well, I like that game web alot cause the games are like super nice! Ok I'm talking crap.. What shall I say? Okay.. My IDMI project may just be good because well, we took a right [wrong and right the right] turn. That's good..

LoL. I was playing this typing tutor game.. the shark game thingy.. I think that my typing skills never improve and just to let you know.. even though I type fast, it's SO not accurate.. It's like ALWAYS WRONG ... and my accuracy is like 94% the most only.. I wish I could type better.. LOL. and my fastest accurate typing speed is like only 63%.. MUST TRAIN!!

anyway.. Ok I officially have nothing to talk about.. *sigh*

Why is it that every time I see you smile at somebody else, my heart sinks just a little bit more?

♥undefined. 2:15 pm

Well.. Generally I shall labour it the "TIRED DAY!" cause we walked alot. Oh yah, for those people who don't know what I'm talking about, I went on a heritage tour around Singapore River and Little India for our "Preservation but Improving Little India" for our IDMI project. Walk and Walk and walk... I have a bit of flat foot!! I just realised that today. Cause my foot + leg was in pain and then Zhiting, BinBin they all not pain, then they tell me that if flat foot, it'll be pain. At first I don't believe I was flat foot then Yunzhen confirmed it for me... *sigh* Then we went to Little India but no time to do Hanna! So I wanna do when my group go back to take video!!! =)) haha. Today in the morning we play Volleyball!! So fun!! But I was lousy in it. LOL. Haha. Sorry, I kept NOT hitting. I promised I'll be better in our next game! Anyway. Today I was generally happy. So YAY! for me! haha

I got this from Mae's blog cause I was so damn freakin' bored.

-What are the last 3 digits of your mobile number?
% 779.

-What does the 2nd message in your inbox say?
% From SingTel.. You've got a MMS fm SingTel_MMS. View your MMS at http://www.ideas.singtel.com "My MS Inbox" with your IDEAS password within 7 days. LOL.

-Who is the first person who comes under M?
% Mae. LOL.

-Who was the last person you rang?
% My sister.

-Who was your last missed call from?
% Yunzhen.

- Who is the 2nd person who comes up under D?
% Dawn.

-What does the oldest message in your inbox says?
% Nyein! What time u reaching sch? [- by Yunzhen.]

-Who comes up under J?
%Jamie, Jane, Janelle, Jasmine, Jau Loong, Jesslyn, Jiahui, Jiaxin, Jiaxin [hogc], Jinkai, Jolene, Joyce, Junkai, Justin seah, Justin Teng

-Go to your Sent Items - what does the 10th message say?
%Wed I got heritage tour... [to my tuition teacher]

-Who is the 7th person who comes up under S?
%Si yuan

-Who is your gsm/network provider?
%SingTel

-How many messages are currently in your inbox?
%13. I delete my message inbox everyday. =))

=What do you have as your background?
%Kakashi as an ANBU.

=Who is the 2nd person who comes up under R?
%I only have one person whose under R. Rosa.

-Who do you have on speed dial 3?
%-

-If you are on Pay as you Go, how much credit do you have?
%-

-Who is the third person who comes up under C?
%Cherise.

-How many bars of signal do you currently have?
%Full.

--

So far in '07:

-You had a fight?
%Yeah.

-Have you had your birthday?
%Nope.

-Been to temple?
%Yes.

-Cried yet?
%No.

-Drank starbucks?
%Yup. Definitely.

-Gone shopping?
%Yah.

-Gone to the movies?
%Yup.

-Been to the beach?
%Yes.

-Bought something over 200 dollars?
%Yup. But I forgot what.

-Been out of your home state?
%Yeah.

-Gone snowboarding/skiing?
%Nope.


IN THE PAST MONTH:

-Kissed someone?
%Nope.

-Slept in a friend's bed?
%eah.

-Snuck someone over?
%Nope.

-Sneak out of your own house?
%Nope.

-Got in a car?
%Duh.

-Gone over your cell phone bill?
%Nope. I'm a good girl.

-Drove somewhere?
%No.

-Done something you regret?
%No.


LAST:

-Person you hugged:
%Eh.. My sister. She hugged me.

-Person to call you?
%Yunzhen.

-Last time you took a shower?
%Just.

-When was the last time you felt stupid?
%Yesterday. When we went to ask for oschool courses. Fawn and Yunzhen kept laughing at me.

-When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?
%When I went to the gym.

-Who was the last person that made you cry?
%Hmm.. I think it was my sister. She scolded me when I was 4 years old.

-Who was the last person you watched a movie with?
%Est.

-Who was the last person you danced with?
%Noone.

-Who makes you smile most?
%That's for me to know and for you to find out.

-What are you listening to right now?
%You don't know my name by Alicia Keys.

♥undefined. 8:58 pm

Today has GOT to be my MOST unlucky day ever!

Seriously. When I stepped out of my house, everything was still fine. Then when I reached school,I realised forgot to do my homework. Then music lesson we had like 1 whole hour free period cause mr.M didn't come. Me and Vanessa was like stretching... LOL. i'm stretching when I'm like typing this sentence right now... S***, it's damn freakin' painl.Guess I'm not meant to do split eh? *sigh* Oh ya.. about my unlucky day.. Yada Yada all the way THEN MY HANDPHONE GOT CONFISCATED! Freakin' and majorly pissed at the fact, not really pissed at the teacher la cause I mean, it's his job what... But I managed to smile all the way till now cause you see, I'm a genrally a very optimistic girl. I can only see the good in everyone! *angelic*

LOL. Anyway.. I need to save money for some obvious reasons. if you don't know, come ask me, maybe i'll tell you...

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to just sink away and be forever forgotten. I'm going emo again.. *sigh* See la. Stephen's mood swings affect me luh! Now I also emo!

"You can never love me as much as I love you." That's what you said to me. I believe you.

♥undefined. 7:53 pm

I'm mega-ly pissed today. I don't know why. Everything that frustrated just came out popping today when I was talking the Yunzhen on the way home. I mean like what's so wrong with just wanting to learn a new thing! *sigh* I don't even know what to do, I'm just so fed up with everything. And in the end, it's my fault. It's ALWAYS MY fault. I'm always the one that needs to change. Change my attitude, change my thinking, change my LIFE. Have you ever thought for me? What I want to do? It's not like I'll waste money, Just that I want to do what I LOVE. What's so wrong with THAT!

I'm finding less and less meaning living this life of mine. There's nothing to live for... I know I'm more fortunate than others, just that I want to do what I wanna do. Not what YOU want me to do. Why must I change? Why can't you just accept me for who I am? I am selfish, ignorant, self-centered, insensitive. But that's me. Why can't you just acknowledge it?

"People are all the same, we only get judged by what we do. If I'm ugly then so are you."

♥undefined. 8:55 pm

Well what a good student I am, I'm typing this post right in the middle of my history homework. Last minute work? No.. I did it already, but I lost my work and I forgot my points. Way to go Nyein... Anyway Yesterday I got scolded by my erhu teacher again, she say that I don't practice enough, my fingers become very stiff and then cannot press properly or fast enough... I asked myself again: Did I make a correct choice when I chose erhu? Should I have chosen something like percussion instead? Or should I have chosen some other CCA instead? My sister said I could change to volleyball if I want to... =))) But then again, our erhu batch very pathetic leh.. only 8 people inside... What should I do..! It seems abit wasted to quite CO halfway, but it would do me alot of good if I quit it and join something else... anything I guess... =)) Please tell me what I should do cause I'm so confused!

Besides that, I better buck up for all my subjects liao.. I ccan't just rely on my petty luck anymore... And I want to be the very good girl for once... And please hope that i remember to go to gym cause I'm really putting on fats!!!

P.S. My life is too boring, there's nothing more for me to say...

I can't stand you anymore. I can't stand me anymore. I can't stand us anymore. It's not like you don't know. I know you know. It's not like WE don't know. We just don't want to admit do we? Don 't want to admit, Don't want to lose, Don't want to cave in. Don't want to take the first step. But you know it won't work. It just takes a second to walk out that door and never come back in again. It's not like you cared anyway. When did you? I'd rather you give me your cold shoulder every single time. Never walk pass me again. Cause I can't stand it anymore. Why are you here the same time that I am? I dont know. I'm so confused with every little thing you do. Cause I can't see clearly anymore. What do you want me to do? Just sit down and smile and every thing you do to me? I can't do that. You know I can't. I'd rather you walk out that door and never cared for me no more. Not like you did anyway but please do that. Cause I don't want to love you no more. *sigh* I guess you'll always be the one to see me cry.

♥undefined. 6:02 pm

Hmm... I shall continue to post cause I realised alot of people reads my blog! yayy! Now onto with my boring life...

Today I went to the HPB [ Health Promotion Board] to take my injection. The injection was something 3rd Booster TD. It wasn't pain and it wasn't scary but man, after that needle and by the time I returned home, my left arm hurts like s***! Didn't know why it hurt too but I couldn't use my hand at all... Well.. before going to the HPB, I had to go to school [duh]. Stephen was acting super weird today, in the morning, he had the "I'm-emo-today" kind of look, then after recess suddenly become "I'm-so-happy-I-could-give-you-my-energy" kind of look. So werid. ANYWAY. We got a maths quiz today. I surely fail it or something... lately my maths become so lousy. I need to buck up...

After that I went to HPB [had vanessa to accompany me there. thank you!] Then I went to take injection and blah blah blah. After that, me and my sister got lost in the outram part mrt. LOL. We got lost in a mrt. That's downright stupid. But ok... then we went home and nothing's so interesting after that... tomorrow morning I'm gonna run... So I shall take a rest now! BYE!

I feel like nothing's so real anymore... but I don't know why, I don't know how. But I do know that I need you to save me from this hell. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. Some tragic hero in action. But you know what, I need you more than anything. Need you more than the air I'm breathing this second. But I'm not the type who'll tell you that.. Stubborn, aren't I? But I also know that you never noticed me. Never took a second glance, Never sensed anything, Never saw anything. Maybe I shall keep this to myself. But do you know that every smile you give me makes me heart skip a beat. Yeah, someday you'll be the death of me... But oh well. I'm going die too aren't I?

♥undefined. 7:05 pm

I don't know why I still update my blog, nobody's even reading it... lol... But then leh, I shall update for the sake of updating it...

WOOTS. I changed the blogskin. This one's nice, but I wanna find a nicer one. Maybe I shall make one, I forgot the code liao.. and editing the picture takes up too much time.. I shall ask mae to teach me.
Oh yeah, Does anybody know how to use the newly edition of editing html in the new blog template? I mean like I keep changing the code to fit the error but they say still got what.. "XML element error" I don't like dealing with this s*** that I don't know... Please tag me if you do know.. Coz I wanna create a blog for my sister but the stupid thing keep disturbing me.

*SIGH* I really don't know what to write already... Well, today we had a geog test today.. Well, one could say it was hmmm.... I don't really know how to describe it... hard? difficult? oh yeah, it means the same thing... I'm stupid. But I was so relieved when the test finished. Baxter kept asking me the "----------" question. [censored for safe-keeping purposes] So irritating. You may not know but I don't like it when people ask me stuff that I don't wanna answer. I don't like to tell people that I'm scared of answering or don't know the answer, so I'll just shrug it off or give you some lame answer... Sorry if I did that to you, I just hate it when people ask me questions after a test, it's just ...i don't know... makes me so insecure... Sorry for going offpoint like that...

Anyway... I just have to find a solution for the tiredness I feel every single day. I mean like this is very irrtating. I don't know WHY I'm tired. And my waist just hurts. Is it because of the pull? *sigh* Guys just have too much strength...

"People needs loving most when they deserve it the least."

♥undefined. 9:31 pm

This is weird cause I'm updating this blog in school. In computer lesson actually, cause I've long created my own dhsmail and I'm slacking right now... More like I put my status to "I'm NOT available." LOL. Haizz...

So anyway. My life is boring actually. Just that Liu Lao Shi moved me behind already : If you didn't already know that... Now, I'm sitting in the middle of Stephen and Huiyun. It actually easier to concentrate now, and I can eat my AI XIN CAN! haha. Coz the school rules changed that we could eat in class... I LOVE THAT RULE!
My life's becoming very boring and I don't know what stupid good I can achieve out of it. I mean like I feel like we're all going to die soon. Don't say that I'm crazy, I just have this feeling. We are going to die anyway. So I personally couldn't care less. I mean like I'm feeling damn frustrated with all these that have been happening during this period of time. I mean like I'm damn stressed. I don't know why. Recently I've been very extremely tired. I mean like just yesterday, I fell asleep on my mother's bed just because I lied on it for like 5 mins. During the MRT ride home, I fell alseep. Thanks to Liesl, I woke up. Haizz... My sis says I need more sleep but personally I think it's because I'm damn stressed up because of all the things that are currently revolving around me. How would it feel like if I just end it all?

"Thy soul causes men sorrow and suffer. Do you want to know how it feels like to die?"

♥undefined. 1:05 pm

Do you know, I'm officially out of my mind. My powerpoint is not working = I can't give Kaiyuan my acc ppt slides = never heed the deadline which is 11.59pm. = I'm so dead. But you see, instead of finding out the problem, I'm updating my blog. I'm such a loyal friend indeed. I feel pity for myself too.

I have so many freaking problems, I wonder how long it will take before I can solve them all... I'm like freaking tired right now, just wanna go to sleep and never wake up until the next night. Haiyo...when am I ever gonna get a good night sleep?

School has been hell, it's like going and coming back from school has no meaning at all... Life has lost its flavour after all...

♥undefined. 11:44 pm

I'm am so freakin' sorry. This blog is like so damn abandoned. So I'll shall update you on my june holidays and my current life. Shall feed with enough things! =))

Well June holidays were spent doing some boring stuff. I went to vietnam and china during the hols too. It was hell of a fun! =)) But now, school has reopened and school life has taken its toll on me. Day in day out I've been feeling very troubled. I don't even know why I'm troubled. PMS? Can't be. Got troubles? Like? Feel tired? HOW? So yah, I am feeling troubled over the fact that I'm troubled. *sigh* How lame can I get?

Anyway, I cut my hair today, don't know why but felt that the growing thing infront of my face was getting troublesome... now my hair looks like shit. Anyway, I don't know why but I recently feel less and less interest in all the things revolving around me now. I mean like, I have no interest in anything that I'm doing. It's like just a waste of time. It's all going to fade anyway, isn't it? I really don't know what to do, somebody please tell me. I feel like I'm going to die anytime. Do all people who're gonna die get this type of feeling? I wish... there's nothing in this world that needs me anymore.

*sigh* Sorry for the emo words... but I just don't feel happy... I don't feel sad. I guess I don't feel anything anymore... Sorry, I really shouldn't be talking about this. What am I thinking about anyway? I should be the happy-go-lucky girl just I used to be. =))

♥undefined. 8:52 am