Well.. I've been told by my alot of friends, (a.k.a Vanessa, Yunzhen, Fawn, whoever-i-forgot-to-mention-you-know-who-you-are), that my blog is full of emo stuff. I beg to differ, if you read closely, you will notice that my thoughts are just a teeny bit normal, as in, not happy not sad. But oh well. Anyway, recently, I've been thinking. (Vanessa, I know if you're reading this, you'll be like, "again?")

As I watch my sister pack her bags, I can't help but think, is this the last time I'll be seeing her? For the next 3 years, will I see none of her and let my ears do the work? Now I realise how hard a syllable can be when the person on the other side is a million miles away.

"Lol. I'll definitely see you again." Why are you so stupid? Of course I'll miss you.
"Yeah, yeah, hurry up and go. If not I'll get scolded by mum again." Why don't you just say goodbye before you leave? You know I definitely won't be the one saying it.

They say actions speak a thousand words. They're wrong. No one can hear my unspoken words as clearly as you do. Many people think they can read between my lines, see through my words, but they're looking in the other direction. Don't see. Listen. Don't judge. Feel. Listen and feel everyone movement of living. No one knows it better like you. I'm never the one to say those cliche words, you know I won't be. I'm never the one to say words like, "Take care, Goodbye, Love you lots." Instead, maybe I'll be saying, "Get going, you know I won't miss you." or " 'Ch, it's much better without you."

Don't read between my lines. Just listen between my pauses.

♥undefined. 8:51 pm

Lots of people tell me that my blog posts are too chim-nish. Well, sorry, I shall try to write more normally.

Have I really grown a year older? It seemed as if nothing as changed. The clock goes on normally, the water drips again. Nothing has any apparent change or what-so-ever. But, really, what kind of change was I expecting? A major earthquake? 'Psh. How scary time works... It numbs the feeling to any changes, but changing things every day. So now we have to be alert, feel every beat of your heart, feel the hair whipping your small strands of hair, count the steps that you take. Those minor things, who knows? You might die the next second.

Upon fetching my mum from Kallang, I chanced upon an artist drawing. It didn't contain much, just 2 figures look right at each other, face to face, so close that their noses were almost touching. Might have looked like a couple to most, but I was sad to see such a picture. What's the point of being so close when no emotions are reflected in their eyes? Must have been painful to be so close. The picture just seemed to be talking to me, telling me, "You're right infront of me, but it seems like you're a million miles away." Maybe it's just me, because I see alot of people going, "Aww.. so cute." And alot of people clapped. I've tried to erase that image away from my brain. But everytime I close my eyes, I can just see two people looking at each other with nervousness? Disgust? Loneliness? I don't know. But it makes me sympathise with them.

You can never break my heart. Why? Cause it already broken.

♥undefined. 7:58 pm

I haven't blogged in very long. This tone of my had once been a visitor, but it I had learnt to say goodbye to it very long ago. Now that it came back, I almost have a nostalgic feel. What is this? Loneliness? Anger? Self-pity? I don't really know anymore. I'm too tired to figure it out. It'll only come to a point where I'm going to drown myself.

It's a pity this feeling came back. Today's my birthday. August 25 clearing, distinctively circled on my calender. But it seemed to go past like any normal day. My mom's out. My sister's out. I'm alone at home. 'Ch. I'm being too childish again. Birthday is nothing more than a day a person grows older. Birthday just reminds you that you're going to die faster. No point in it. That's what I've been told. But still, a rebellious part of my disagrees. It should be filled with smiles. Don't you think? Well. No point in asking anyway. I was never worth anything, was I? Not worth the money spent on me, Not worth the love I have been given, Not even worth the help I got. I don't know how or why I got this idea, but I just knew.

I feel like I'm gonna disappear. I feel like I'm alone in the room. I feel like I've lost my voice. I don't know. I just feel. I can feel my temper rising, but strangely, I can't let it go. It's stuffed inside this human body of mine. I know that if it's compressed too long, I'll just burst. No one will notice anyway. I didn't need anyone anyway. My sister used to tell me lack of friends did not mean you'll die. Strange huh? I've never had someone that knew me long enough to play for me back the song of my heart.

Happy birthday Nyein,
from me.

♥undefined. 8:21 pm

I don't know what I should update for you know? Cause I got nothing to say.. HMMM... currently in the process of thinking what I should write.. Oh well.. Let's write about my 1st lesson on B-boying =))

Well.. I went there at like 3? And I thought I was late.. turned out that the instructor was doing a show and was late. =)) So... I stood at the doorway of o-school cause there are alot of people inside and I don't wanna stand inside. There were at least 10 guys in my class.. Didn't really bother to count because I was busy playing my sudoku and listening to my music that I didn't hear the person call out my name to tick my attendence. LOL. When I went to the dancing room thingy.. I thought "Just great, no girls." But when the lesson was about to start that time. I saw one girl. Woots. Thanks alot whatever-your-name-is. Alot of people wore boardshorts or 3/4s. I was glad I didn't wear those. I kept falling down when I tried to do freezes and my knees hurt. I got a big bruise on my knee! KH taught us 3 kinds of freeze but I can't do any of them properly yet.. KH teach so fast seh.. But then it was fun. It was very tiring too. Everyone was sweating in an air-con room. I thought my shirt was gonna drop if I do a freeze but surprisingly, KH only taught us the leg in the air sort of freeze. PHEW. My arms hurts... esp my right arm cause right handed mah, right hand do the supporting one. *sigh* My wrists hurt too. My guts hurt too. Cause it seems that the trick actually is to put your elbows inside your gut when doing the freeze to support your body. But your body weight goes to your head. Yeah. abit confusing so must try out alot of times... Hope I can get better. I'm like totally lousy cause some guys in my class already know how to do alot of freezes le. I think they got learn bboy before or its that guys have more strength that's why. Oh yah. I learnt that alot of guys cannot stretch. When we were doing warm ups they like cannot touch toes at all one. LOL. Well. I guess that's all.

WIsh me good luck! =))

I wanna be that sweet girl.

♥undefined. 6:08 am

I shall do this cause I'm bored in the morning...

1. Spell your name without vowels: NY. ???
2. Are you single? Yup.
3. What's your favorite number? 08.
4. What color do you wear most? It's either white or dark blue.
5. Least favorite color?: Depends on the shade, situation, what it's on and everything.
6. What are you listening to? Give it to me - Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake
7. What do you smoke? None.
8. Are you happy with your life right now? Maybe.
9. Anyone ever said you resemble a celebrity? Yeah. One time. It was funny.
10. What is your favorite class in school? Maths. =))
11. Do you shop at hollister/abercrombie/AE? What's that?
12. How do you make money? Seriously, how do you make money?
13. Who is your best friend? _________
14. Are you outgoing? Seeing from my test, no, I'm an introvert.
15. One word to describe you? Nyein! =))
16. Favorite pair of footwear? Sportshoes or sneakers.
17. Do you own big sunglasses? No.They look stupid on me.
18. Where do you wish you were right now? Japan.
19. What should you be doing right now? Revision.
20. Do you have a crush on anyone right now? According to Justin Seah, Nope.

THE CANS:
Can you blow a bubble?: Yeah, after many failures.
Can you dance? Going to learn.
Can you do a cart wheel? No.
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: No. I know, I'm a bad kisser.
Can you touch your toes?: Duh. Yes I can.
Can you whistle?: No. =((
Can you wiggle your ears?: No.
Can you wiggle your nose?: No.
Can you roll your tongue?: Yeah.

THE DIDS:
Did you ever get into a fist fight at school?: Nah, I'm an obedient girl.
Did you ever run away from home?: No.
Did you ever want to be a doctor?: Yeah, and I still do.
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?: No..

THE DOS:
Do you believe in God?: No.
Do you know how to swim?: Yeah.
Do you like roller coasters?: Depends, Fun or not?
Do you own a bike?: Nope.
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: No, I'd puke right away.

THE DOES:
Does hair loss run through your family? Nobody has hair loss.
Does your car get good gas mileage?: >????
Does your family have family picnics?: No.

THE HOWS:
How did you find out about Friendster?: Friends I guess.
How many Friendster friends have you met in person?: Eh.. Almost all is my real friend.
How tall are you?: 160cm.. stop discriminating short people.
How much money do you have on you right now?: Why should I tell you?

THE LASTS:
Last person you hung out with? Yunzhen.
Last thing you said out loud? Why she scold me?
Last thing someone said to you?: Eat leh.

THE WHATS:
What are you listening to?: Gwen Stefani - Sweet Escape.
What is the temperature outside? Morning so a bit colder?
What radio station do you listen to?: It's been so long since i last listened to radios.
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Eh... Jade Restaurant?
What was the last thing you bought?: Coffee Bun.
What was the last thing you had to drink?: Milk
What was the last thing on TV you watched: I don't watch TV.

THE WHOS:
Who is your newest friend that added you on Friendster?: James?
Who was the last person you MSNed: Eh.. Sarah I think...
Who talked to you on the phone last?: Yunzhen?
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: China trip that time I think.
Who was the last person to leave you a comment?: Nil
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: ...noone?

CRYING SECTION:
Ever really cried your heart out? No.
Ever cried yourself to sleep? That's quite stupid.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder? No.
Ever cried over the opposite sex? No. That's quite stupid.
Do you cry when you get an injury? No. That's stupid too.
Do certain songs make you cry? ??? It's just a SONG!
Do certain movies make you cry? No. Like what?

HAPPY SECTION:
Are you a happy person? Duh. I'm a happy-go-lucky girl.
What can make you happy? A new laptop?
Do you wish you were happier? Not really.
Is being happy overrated? Quite.
Can music make you happy? Yeah!

HATE SECTION:
Do you actually hate anyone?: No. Hating is troublesome. You actually have to remember that person's name.
Ever made a hit list? No.
Have you ever been on a hit list? Maybe? Since I used to anger alot of people.
Are you a mean bully? No. I'm a caring and gentle girl.

SELF ESTEEM SECTION:
Is your self-esteem extremely low? That's what lots of people say.
Do you believe in yourself? No.
Are you good looking? No.
Do you wish you could be someone else? Yeah.

LOOK AT ME:
What is your current hair color? Black. But I have alot of different colour hair on my head. Like red, gold, yellow, orange etc.
Current piercings? Yeah. I got a couple.
Have any tattoos? No.
Straight hair or curly: Straight!

HAVE YOU EVER:
Hugged someone? Hmm... I think so.
Been on the phone until the sun came up? No.
Laughed so hard you peed in your pants? No.
Laughed so hard you cried? No.
Got in a fight with someone? Yeah.

RANDOM.
Do you like surveys? Yeah. You get to see how stupid peoples' qns are.
Do you get along with your parents? Not really.
Do you have mental breakdowns? Maybe soon. =P
Did you ever tell your parents you didn't feel good so you didn't have to go to school? Nope. Not that that will work ever.

CURRENT:
Current mood: Bored.
Current music: Good Charlotte - Keep your hands off my girl
Current hair style: Short? and spiky? [if i spike]
Current crush: Noone.
Current thing I ought to be doing: Revision.
Current windows open: iTunes, Safari
Current desktop picture? Tiger skin?

This quiz is quite boring but I shall do cause I have nothing better to do early in the morning. Well.. Maybe besides my revision.

♥undefined. 5:27 am

I'm the emo kid... LOL. and just because I put nothing for my income doesn't mean I'm poor okay! *hmph*
And I'm upper class? haha. I'm more loner than dependent! go me! I'm more realistic too! =) THe rest I believe you can read for yourself

♥undefined. 7:47 am

Well, now that I have nothing to do, I shall blog. Not really nothing to do.. but oh well. Nothing I'd do better at the moment.

I've been thinking. (again) Maybe I wasn't built to go into the world. But to be protected.
Many people said I'm strong. Mentally and Physically. But really, what is real strength? Is strength the hardening of the heart? Or the softness of it to dare to love? Is strength holding on till your whole body hurts? Or is it just to simply let go? Is strength to go through every single storm? Or just the will to wait for a rainbow? Is strength learning to accept harsh reality or daring to dream?

They are alot differnt types I guess. Like I always say. 2 sides of a coin. People are not 2 dimensional. They're 3 dimensional. But they are contradicting aren't they? Tell me, is it the complexity of a question that people think it's simple? Or is it the simplicity of the question that makes people suspicious? Kinda amusing ain't it? A play with words, I guess. Love or Lust? True love never contains lust. Or is it that love encompasses lust? We'll never know... will we? The world is full of questions. Or is it that the world contains so many answers that people give questions to them? This is entertaining.

One day, maybe the time will come when all questions will be answered and all doubts will be cleared. Maybe.

Today somehow I pissed my mom off-ed again. I don't know why. I just seem to anger people easily, don't I? People are always dis-satisfied with me. I'm less than imperfect. *chuckles* This is such a sick joke. Well... not that I like pleasing people but... could somebody tell me why nobody's satisfied with me? Why there's always something wrong with me.

If i were gone
No one would care
It's not like you see
Me sitting there
And no one ever
Hears what i say
Yet i tarry on
Day by day
In hopes that someone,
That someone will see
What really goes on
Inside of me
But everyone's blind In my world
And no one watched
As my life unfurled
Because it wasn't special
And it wasn't grand
And i wasn't born with
A silver spoon in my hand
Now no one cares
Bout this lil girl
Because everyone cared
When i came in this world
And i didn't notice
I let them all down
I turned all their smiles Into nothing but frowns
There's no words to describe
How much I hated myself

♥undefined. 8:20 pm

Well I shall not be emo anymore and type emo stuff. But oh well. What can I say?

I'm feeling okay nowadays. Not really unhappy anymore. And today I did something very stupid. You know in MRT there're alot of carriages right? Yeah. Me, Esther LIM and Yunzhen decided that we would get on the first cabin/carriage (whatever you call it), but the train came just when we came onto the platform so we just boarded on the middle cabin/carriage. And Esther suggested that every stop, we'll get out and run a few cabins so that gradually we'll reach the first cabin. If you still don't understand what I mean, it means like every stop, MRT doors will open right? yeah, then you get out, then you run to the next door or the next next door to get to the first cabin/carriage. So it's like run as much as you can, then get in before the MRT door closes on you. Then we were still carrying the ERHU and I felt damn retarded la. But oh well, it was fun. Then we almost ran to the last cabin. Until Yunzhen said we might be able to make it inside the MRT cause the MRT is very packed. *sigh* That's all for my boring day. And for your information, I'm typing with my right hand, cause my left is currently injured. Internal bleeding I think.

Tell me. If I changed my face, would you notice me?


I'm scared of falling in love. There I said it.
You can't? You scared? I'm falling for you.

♥undefined. 9:45 pm

I don't even know what to do anymore.

Well. I thought I could post a post which was celebrating the end of exams. [at least for now] But oh well. Lots of things have been pressurizing me.

White and black used to fill my world.
But I liked them.
No colours.
Just white and black.
A clear cut I guess, decisive thoughts.
But now. white and black have turned gray.
Is gray more like white or more like black?
Which way should I go?
Contradictions blocked my path.
Focus left my eyes.
Now I'm all mixed up.
I don't like colours.
Just give me back my white and black.


Oh well. I'm spouting nonsensical stuff again. Is there such thing as an unconditional love? I wonder. I feel like my life has no goal. Well, if you count not getting my mother angry. I guess there is a goal. Can I stay mute and never talk again? Cause I feel as though my existence has no use or whatsoever. I'm like a ghost. I'm there but I'm ignored, unseen nor acknowledged. What have I done wrong? Nobody can now catch hold of my oil-slicked hands. Slicked with wrong-doings which I don't know. I'm slipping. I'm falling. I'm going and gone.

An existence that was never recognised. A happiness that was never felt. A sadness that was never cared. A person that was never loved.
People I cared for?
Who did I care for anyway? Didn't you say I was selfish?
People that loved me?
No, I never recognised any of them.
Why?
Cause there're none.

So, I'll go. I'll walk that long road alone and see where it leads me.
Maybe you're right.
I was born to be failure.
Or maybe you're wrong.
Maybe I was just born to walk alone.

I've made up my mind. You won't recognise me now. Not that you did before anyway.

Long before, I wanted to see your smile.
Smiling at me through the day.
That was impossible wasn't it?
I wanted to see your eyes.
Now you won't even look at me.

Sometimes the one you love can’t be there for you. Sometimes because they can’t. Sometimes because they won’t. Sometimes it’s better not to find out.

♥undefined. 9:03 am