Well... looking back from what I did a few minutes ago, I feel like laughing. Laughing at my pathetic self. I came home with Yunzhen, both so goddamn tired from the dazu practice. I mean.. who wouldn't be, but I shan't talk about it and if you would like to know, come and ask me. Just thinking about it is enough to make me blood boil and evaporate.

Well, basically I came home like any normal child, tired from school, kicked off my shoes. I saw my sister and my mum sitting at the TV. Basically I expected some recognition. A "You came back so late!" or "What were you DOING in school?" would have been nice. Well, much nicer than the cold shoulder at least. Ok. So I'm ignored. Never mind. My mum's having mood swings again, went to my room to put down my bag. That boulder practically slipped off my aching and sore shoulders. I need a massage. In need of one. Okay. Off topic. And I ate in silence. Total silence. I could hear the beating of my heart. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Keeping working hard, Heart. You'll die someday along with me. Damn I'm sadistic. I could feel the vibration of each and every pulse that flow through my arms, down to my fingers - fingertips. Transferring to the fork and spoon I was holding. I feel my leg muscles - Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. How can I feel so much? I shook and my head and went back to eat. I could feel my tongue muscle moving. Tasting every bump and pieces of food in my mouth. My steel and hard braces. Friction through it. Swallow the food down, through my oesophagus down to my stomach. I took another bite at my meal. Eggs. Nice. Then I thought to myself : Man, it's silent. The silent was so deafening that I would much rather appreciate heavy metal blasting at my ears. Silent crawled up my neck. My neck hairs standing. Went up sliding past my cheeks. My cheeks somehow filled with colour. I turned around : Nobody. So I guess I'm alone afterall.

After that I was muttering nothngs. They were pieces of my psyche that I couldn't grasp and couldn't put to words easily. How do you put your heart onto paper. Or rather computer? It just aint that easy. I don't even know what I'm feeling myself.

I'm tired. And I'm fucked up.


Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. It's true you know. A living and walking example just typed you her day.

♥undefined. 8:29 pm